What's Next

July 18: Expressing pure excitement over his prognosis, A-Rod tweets he will be back with the Yankees over the weekend, adding that "I am in mid-October form!" Frustrated Yankees general manager Brian Cashman responds by telling reporters that if A-Rod is truly in mid-October form, "He'll have to continue his #@%&ing rehab assignment another six weeks."


July 19: Walking to the stadium for his first game back from his strained quad muscle, Jeter ducks out of the way of a falling safe only to step through an open manhole and go back on the disabled list.

July 21: The Centers for Disease Control officially raises Puig-mania from epidemic to pandemic level after Yasiel goes 4-for-5 with two home runs to raise his batting average to .429
July 22: A-Rod refuses to join the Yankees in Texas, tweeting that it's too hot in Arlington and there is absolutely nothing to do there, and tells the team that he would prefer to simply wait until New York plays in San Diego the following week. "Or perhaps Tampa Bay in August."

July 28: Despite a considerable write-in campaign from Dodgers fans, Puig is not invited to Cooperstown for induction into the Hall of Fame. Yoenis Cespedes isn't invited either, but he shows up in Cooperstown anyway, thrills the crowd by hitting 32 home runs at Doubleday Field and receives a Hall of Fame plaque.

Ladies and gentlemen, your newest member of the Hall of Fame: Yoenis Cespedes.

July 31: In a youth-building movement completed just minutes before the trading deadline, the Yankees acquire Raul Ibanez, Jason Giambi, Jose Contreras and Betty White.

Aug. 3: The Rangers-Athletics game at Oakland's Coliseum is postponed after Bartolo Colon causes the stadium's plumbing to back up again.

Aug. 8: In a bid for cleaner energy, President Barack Obama proposes that the U.S. set up generators at major league ballparks across the country to harness the wind produced by Adam Dunn, Josh Hamilton, the entire Astros roster and every other major leaguer swinging and whiffing in record numbers.

Aug. 12: Jeter comes off the disabled list but strains a groin muscle before the game while putting on his pants in his customary manner of two legs at a time.

Aug. 24: New York manager Joe Girardi enrages Yankees fans, the players' association and the Twitter-verse when he has Rivera pitch in the eighth inning rather than wait to the top of the ninth with no one on base and a three-run lead, as specified by the First Rule of Closer Etiquette.

Sept. 5: Umpire Tom Hallion ejects Tampa Bay's David Price from the game because the pitcher didn't send him a birthday card.

Perhaps I will have better luck with this contraption